Vindication for Wolff after years long feud; Hopes teasing will end
After an arguement that lasted for years between a man and his friends, vindication has finally been found.
The fued was about the classification of the pineapple. In the third grade, Wolff had been told by his boy scout master that
pineapples were herbs, a fact that he then doubted. But his trust in that scout master, and her insistence upon the fact led
him to believe the fact. When he reported this tidbit of trivia to his friends, Brunion readers David Germain and Josh
Towbin, they mocked and laughed at him, maintaining it was a fruit. The ordeal was terrifiying. "I went home and cried for
hours." Despite the treatment he faced, he insisted upon the fact. "I dont know what it was," Wolff said. "Blind trust
maybe? Youthful naivte? Who knows why I believed it. Something in there glimmered a spark of truth." Throughout his years
of public school, Wolff was never allowed to forget his youthful "mistake." "They must have brought it up once a month.
And everytime it hurt just as much as the last. I cant tell you all the pain I felt." Wolff still clung to the that herby
belief. "We even looked it up. But none of those dictionaries were good. Crappy public schools."
The hurt and pain substained for Wolff through middle school, but his demons rested during 9th and most of 10th grade, until
"that leech Towbin" resurfaced with the harrowing remarks. "I was fed up with it. I had cried gallons of tears, and wasted so
much time. Besides, the nightmares were unbearable." Wolff decided "once and forever" he would decide this fued. He began
his search in a common dictionary, but he wasnt pleased with the "fruit" result. "Then I took out this massize encyclopedia
we had. I looked it up. It was right there. I WAS RIGHT. Words couldn't convey my excitement." Wolff, in fact, had been
correct for all those years. The pineapple is in the taxonomical family of herbs.
When asked what he thought his friends should do for reparations, Wolff had a few ideas. "First, they can kiss my ass.
Hopefully I'll be able to fart on them while they do it. Other than that, I could really go for some Cheez-Wiz." It seems
this long and brutal ordeal is over for the long tortued man. The only hope is that humankind can learn from the mistake his
friends made and DON'T F*** WITH ME. HOME
