Happy, I am, for my mom got me cake. I like food, mainly cake.

This is a horrible story. Yet I have discovered a way to add class to this pathetic strand of words.

Happy I am,
For my mom got me cake.
I like food,
Mainly Cake.

You may be saying to yourself after seeing this, hey, this is the finest work of art I’ve ever laid my eyes on. What did I do to make it so great? I made it into a poem! If I have learned one thing from school it is that anything can be made into a genius work of art by making it into a poem.

Last year, I was on a committee that judged a poem/ short story competition. I noticed that a grammatical error in a story was frowned upon, when it was celebrated and deciphered if it was a poem. A poem about an insane man, a sub-par poem, was titled In sanity. For almost an hour this “flaw” was questioned. “Was it intentional” “This poem is deep” “What an amazing writer” Finally after some people decided that was the most brilliant piece of work ever created, the sponsor of the contest asked the author about the poem’s title. The author replied, “Oops, I spelled it wrong!” Why was this spelling error in the title celebrated as one of the best works of art ever? Because it was a poem.

People say with pride, “I write poetry.” They feel that this makes them more intelligent than others. If you ever want to impress an English teacher, just tell them that you write poetry. They immediately consider you a “genius in disguise” or that you are “above these other bafoons.” In their free time the put together words, not in fluent sentences, and most of the time in poor stanzas, and that makes them better than you or me. If you ask them what a stanza is they will retreat by spouting a nearly incoherent group of words about their superiority because they write poetry.

What is poetry? Why is it art? Who is qualified to write it?

Webster’s definition of poetry is- Poetry - Metrical Writing, or writing that stirs imagination. That definition of poetry is very different from a “genius child poet.” That definition qualifies this as poetry, Something stirring in night, Don’t know the color, but it’s bright. That is not only metrical, rhythmic, but also stirs your creative juices. So why is this art? It allows idiots to be able to brag about their genius, because they write poetry. So who can write these great masterpieces? Any schnook off the street can write a “poem.” If you can put words, even ridiculous and irrelevant words, together rhythmically than you are an expert writer.

I will be the first to admit and celebrate the great poems of our day, by Poe, Frost, and many others. However, many people are horrible poets. So the next time someone brags about being a poet, punch them across the face! Or just explain to them what I have just with you...

I HATE SAUERKRAUT!!!